12 things everyone should know about coaching

Some reflections and lessons from my first two years working as coach

The last two years of formal coaching training and working with my first 20 clients have been such an unexpected adventure.

I decided to train as a back-up option whilst emerging from a career break. It seemed like a logical next step from the work I’d been doing in venture capital, and one that would give me lots of flexibility as we started to work remotely from a new country and consider starting a family. But to be honest, the idea of becoming a full time coach felt like a big compromise. I didn’t feel the same excitement I’d felt towards previous new beginnings in my career. It didn’t feel ambitious enough, and I worried that my peers would see it as a cop-out. I struggled early on with working from home and I missed the buzz of a great team and a ready-made group of smart people to collaborate with.

But as time has gone on, I’ve grown to really love both the experience of being a coach and all that it’s enabled in my life, and coaching as a practice and what it can do.

The most important task of my career break/pivot was to confront my unhealthy relationship with success and achievement, and how big a part of my identity it had become. The deep introspection that comes with coaching training (IYKYN) helped me to see things more clearly, to ask some big questions of myself, and to re-shape my relationship with work. Slowly but surely, work has become less of an arena to achieve and prove my worth, and more of a happy, patient place where I can feel great joy, ease and fulfilment. It’s still challenging and exciting, but not in an unsustainable way.

Today, the content of my work is really similar to what I was doing before, but the way I’m doing it couldn’t be more different. Having a better understanding of my strengths and values and designing my work around them has been such a game-changer, and one that’s helped me to have much more self-compassion. It’s understandable that I wasn’t happy or thriving in the setup I had before, I simply wasn’t suited to it. I still nurture the potential in incredible people doing ambitious things, but I now work for myself on my own terms. I spend most of my work time with others 1:1, my happy place of deep and meaningful connection. I choose who I work with very carefully. I have a peaceful office at home, easy access to nature, and lots more time for the things I need and enjoy outside of work. I’m more intentionally building a community of collaborators to spend time with and learn from. The bit I still need to work on is more work time with people IRL; events, in-person coaching, bumping into people in coffee shops. But I’m getting there.

I’ve learned a huge amount about myself on this journey and I’ll share more of that in time. For now, I want to reflect on what I’ve learned about coaching in the last two years. I’ve been blown away time and time again by what good coaching can do, and I see a disconnect between the transformational results it can have and how it’s perceived and understood.

I want to share as much as I can about how it works and how it can help, so here are some lessons I’ve learned from my training, fellow coaches, from working with clients and having conversations about coaching with family and friends. I hope they’re helpful.

I’m hugely grateful to all the amazing people who’ve supported me on this journey so far. There are too many to include everyone here, but the most important are; my husband Khilen for encouraging me to take the leap and giving me the space I needed to do so; the Co-Active faculty and fellow coaches-in-training who created a safe and courageous space for some once-in-a-lifetime learning; and all of my clients who believed in me so early in my coaching career. Being on this journey with you has been a privilege. 

I barely scratch the surface on some big and sometimes controversial topics here, and I still have an awful lot to learn, so please get involved in the comments. Let me know what resonates or if you have any questions or thoughts and we can discuss and debate further.

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1. “Coaching” is a broad, catch-all term and this can be confusing

The term “coaching” is used for a vast number of different methodologies. One way to think about this is to imagine a spectrum with “prescriptive/advisory” at one end and “open/emergent” at the other. At the “prescriptive/advisory” end, the coach is experienced in what their coachees do or want to do, and the coaching is about transferring knowledge to them and providing advice. This comes in the form of 1:1 sessions and often includes a training course and learning materials. It’s very similar to mentoring, but perhaps more structured. It’s very similar to consulting, but perhaps more personal. At the “open/emergent” end, the coach is experienced in using methodologies that work with anyone; experience in what their coachee does is not a prerequisite, and can actually be unhelpful. This style of coaching is about avoiding advice in order to work with the innate resourcefulness and creativity of the coachee to help them find their own answers. These methodologies are focused on building self knowledge, self authority and resourcefulness for the coachee to take action independently.

Co-Active coaching is at the “open/emergent” end of the spectrum; one of the cornerstones of the methodology is “People are Naturally Creative, Resourceful, and Whole.” This means that we assume that people are capable of finding answers, of choosing, of taking action and of learning without necessarily needing advice. It’s a beautiful sentiment and one that’s extremely powerful outside of coaching too.

Different coaches sit at different points on the spectrum outlined above depending on the type of training they’ve had, the style of coaching they enjoy the most, the way they monetise their work and their experience… all sorts of things. A blended approach can be quite impactful depending on what you’re trying to achieve.

I sit at the “open/emergent” end of the spectrum but I’ve decided to work with people who have two big things in common. They all lead systemic change, and they’re all interested in the nexus of transforming self to transform systems. With this common ground there’s lots of opportunity to provide value by building community and providing resources. So I’m experimenting with different ways of doing this alongside my coaching, and therefore moving very slightly closer to the advisory side. I see myself as more of a curator of, and a conduit to. good advice from subject matter experts, rather than providing advice of my own.

2. Coaching is not regulated so customers need to be discerning

Professional coaching is not regulated, which may be surprising to some. This lack of regulation can make it harder to find a good coach to work with than, say, a doctor, therapist, lawyer, or an accountant.

As professional coaching has continued to grow, with a body of scientific research supporting its legitimacy and efficacy, coaches have come together to create the primary industry body for coaching, the International Coaching Federation (ICF). The ICF has introduced a Code of Ethics and Core Competencies and they provide accreditation to coaches who train in methodologies that adhere to their standards.

Very few of my coachees have asked about my training and this is a little worrying. The discipline is growing fast and anyone can call themselves a coach, regardless of whether they’ve done any training. It’s really important to do your research on who you’re hiring and what expertise they have. Look for methodologies that are evidence-based.

I deliberately chose to train with Co-Active who are one of the longest-standing coaching training bodies in the world. Their methodology is neuroscience-based and aligned with the ICF.

3. Coaching has a public awareness/perception problem

This is partly explained by the points above. Coaching is such a broad field that it can be very confusing for people to navigate. Many people are understandably sceptical about coaching. Credibility challenges would be addressed by more robust regulatory frameworks. I’m interested to see how this evolves as the discipline matures.

Additionally, the experience and results of coaching are quite hard to capture with communications and marketing, especially on a small budget. When I was doing research for brand-building and marketing for my practice, I came across a lot of wishy-washy, trite comms, and the visual language of the field was pretty homogenous; lots of balancing rocks, clouds and mountains, and walls covered in post-its. Even from good training providers. This isn’t representative of both the great diversity in the field of coaching, and the extremely tangible, often transformative impacts of this work.

Coaching is an experiential product and so most coaches offer free sessions and use testimonials as their primary ways of marketing themselves.

All of this makes it a bit easier to cut through the noise with a thoughtful coaching brand, but I think the field as a whole would benefit a lot from a more strategic and creative approach to communications and branding. If people were better able to understand coaching and get a better sense of the results of good coaching, more people would invest in it and experience the benefits. More people would train too. It’d be great if coaches didn’t feel the need to give their time away for free because they’re lacking other ways to demonstrate their value.

4. The power in coaching comes from the relationship between coach and coachee

I think this is slightly different for different coaches, depending upon where they sit on the spectrum mentioned above. For coaches like me at the “open/emergent” end of the spectrum, the power in coaching sits not with the coach, or with the coachee. It sits in the relationship between the two, what's often called the 'third entity' in relational practices.

If the power tips too far towards the coachee, they miss out on the coach’s expertise and experience and the coaching becomes ineffective. If the power tips too far towards the coach, they miss out on the coachee’s needs and preferences and the coaching becomes impersonal and disempowering. The work also misses out on the coachee’s latent insight and creativity. In addition, whilst the coach is supporting the coachee’s growth, it’s not their responsibility. Coachees need to commit and show up for themselves to get results. There’s a lot more to it than this, and it looks different for different people and combinations of coach and coachee.

Importantly, the coach and coachee create this relationship together, granting the relationship power to shape an impactful experience. It's an iterative and ongoing process of design, experimentation and feedback that lasts as long as they work together and beyond. It's a beautiful thing.

5. Impactful coaching requires coaches to be highly skilled in self-management

This skill involves the coach’s ability to set aside their biases, opinions, preferences, judgements, and beliefs in order to hold their coachee’s agenda. A big part of this is about the quality of our listening; if when we listen to our coachees all we can think about is what we want to say next, we’re not very connected to our client and what’s going on for them. If a challenge comes up that’s reminiscent of something we’ve also struggled with and we start sharing all the things we did to solve it, we’re not focused on our coachee’s unique experience and vantage point and how they might want to approach the situation.

Coaches are human and therefore susceptible to being emotionally triggered. Something might come up and we might become defensive, offended or annoyed. This is commonly referred to as being “hooked”. When this happens, we’re largely focused on ourselves and our own feelings which takes us away from our coachee. We need to be good at finding our way back to our coachee so we can reconnect. Sometimes it might even be helpful to call it out. This happens to all coaches so the point is not to prevent it from happening, but to get really good at spotting it and getting back on track when it does.

6. Growth looks different for everyone

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned as a coach is that each of us is different when it comes to growth, and each person has different needs on different days, projects and in different seasons of life.

As a new coach it was tempting to compare clients and, for example, their speed of change, but this is so unhelpful and not relevant for an individual’s growth journey. The need for comparison was actually more about me than about them, so this quickly became a learning opportunity for better self-management. Sometimes this shows up with my coachees too; they want to know how they’re progressing compared to the other people I work with, or they want to know if they’re “doing it right.” This probably has something to do with schooling and how we’re measured and ranked by education systems as young people.

Each coaching journey is unique, honouring each person's unique combination of background, goals, challenges, gifts, interests and dreams. Being able to adapt our approach for different people is a really important skill in coaching.

Halfway reward photo of my dog and WFH buddy, Darwin 🧡

7. We’re over-reliant on our intellect and often leave the rest of us behind

This is particularly common for knowledge workers who are used to doing intellectual and analytical work. They’re used to solving problems with knowledge and reasoning. But an over-reliance on these approaches is usually quite unhealthy for human beings.

We’re all more than the challenges of the day/week/year, or the goals, dreams or tasks we bring to coaching. We have a heart, a mind, a body and spirit. The topics we bring to coaching are not neatly compartmentalised from these things, they’re inseparable from who we are in our entirety and everything we experience. We have a tendency to problem-solve or logic-out our next career move or a difficult conversation with an employee, but if we avoid the emotional, physiological or spiritual layers to what’s going on, we miss out on so many insights and opportunities for growth and change. As an example, research shows that much of our psychological stress manifests itself in our physiology, to the extent that it can alter our DNA.

In Co-Active coaching this idea is captured by a cornerstone of the methodology called “Focus on the Whole Person” and it speaks to a huge body of work and different specialisms within and adjacent to coaching that I don’t have space to explore here. It’s an area I’m really excited to learn more about (and something I know I need as a coachee too).

8. It’s a rare thing to feel fully seen and heard

This is perhaps the most profound lesson I’ve learned in the last two years. In the early stages of coaching training, a lot of the learning is about listening, how it works and the different levels of listening that exist. It was shocking to participate in exercises on improving our listening skills, see the results of different levels of listening, realise how rare it is to experience high quality listening, and imagine all that we could be missing out on as a result. Not only all that we’re not hearing, but all that could be possible if we were better connected to one another. This is a thought that extrapolates beyond the 1:1 to our families, groups of friends, teams, organisations, communities, fields, nations, inter-species connections… I think a lack of listening is at the heart of many of our problems in the world.

Coaching provides a space for people to feel fully seen and heard, and this is such a gift. We open up and expand when we know we’re being really listened to, in large part because we feel safe and cared for. Good listening creates trust. And when there’s trust, amazing things can happen.

Co-Active teaches that there are three levels of listening:

Level 1: Internal Listening - our attention is on ourselves
Level 2: Focused Listening - our attention is on the other person
Level 3: Global Listening - we are aware of everything we can observe with our senses

There’s so much more to this, but one point I want to leave you with is that everything in coaching hinges on listening. So if you’re looking for a coach, it’s a good thing to test in your conversations with different providers.

9. The most heated coaching moments can be the most transformational

Coaches are hired to help people with their growth, and growth isn’t always comfortable. Good coaches will call something out with their coachee even if it could be hard for their coachee to hear (and hard to say), because it’s in service of their growth. This can be uncomfortable for both the coachee and the coach. The way we handle conflict depends a lot upon our upbringing, life experience and whether we’ve had any training on how to do it. If the conditions are right and the relationship is strong enough, these heated moments can be incredibly transformational for a number of reasons. If the coach is on the mark, the honesty might help a coachee see something that’s been causing them problems for the first time, and they can now act on it. Regardless of whether the coach is on the mark or not, the emotions that emerge for the coachee are packed with insight on what’s important to the coachee and what they might need in order to move forwards. The emotions that emerge for the coach are packed with insight on their ability to self manage and show up for their coachees.

If both people can navigate the conversation with openness, kindness and respect, always with an eye on how it can help the coachee to deepen self-awareness and grow, their relationship can be greatly empowered as a result. This in turn creates more impactful coaching.

10. Coaching, like every other industry, is on the cusp of revolutionary change

From the rise of powerful online influencers like Dr Brené Brown, Nedra Tawwab and Dr Nicole Le Pera sharing accessible self-help content with millions of people, to the development of online service providers like BetterHelp and BetterUp, to the global movement de-stigmatising mental health, to the growing traction of psychedelics legalisation movements, the world is currently going through something of a consciousness revolution. More and more people are getting access to the tools they need to understand themselves better. The coaching profession and access to coaching are growing and evolving fast as part of this shift (see Third Wave’s Coaching Certification for an example).

New technologies are driving a significant shift in coaching. Perhaps the most significant of these is Artificial Intelligence. AI capability is growing rapidly, both in terms of what it can do and the fast pace of progress. OpenAI’s recently released language model GPT-4 can pass the bar exam in the 90th percentile, the LSAT in the 88th and it performs better than 77% of test takers on the advanced sommelier theory test. There’s a lot of excitement and fear around this, for good reason. Evidently there are big ethical challenges to consider, especially given the purpose and content of coaching; AI has the power to do a lot of damage. We’re lacking the regulatory frameworks we need for this. 

But there’s so much potential for AI in coaching too. Coaches are using AI tools to outsource certain tasks that take them away from pure coaching, for example, to build courses, to develop and refine ideas for their practice, to create marketing materials and to tailor their work to specific audiences.

If the less human-dependent aspects of coaching can be outsourced to AI-powered technology, and this can be developed to a high enough standard, more people could experience the benefits of coaching via a more accessible, human-less product. Perhaps more people then decide to invest more in the elevated experience of being coached by a human as a result.

Perhaps the more coaches can focus on their unique and inimitable human qualities and skills (e.g. wisdom, wonder, presence, care, visioning) and the deep connection they build with their coachees, the better these will become? We could also have more space to explore our personal growth, e.g. our emotional development, which in turn helps us to improve our coaching. 

I learned a lot about this from this Coaches Rising episode with Sam Isaacson.

11. I can only show up for other people and their growth if I’m showing up for myself and mine

I recently decided to sacrifice short-medium term earning potential in order to slow down and look after myself a bit better. I had a long-standing injury and some other health challenges that needed some attention, and I was getting tired more easily. I could see that if I didn’t do something about it, it would affect my ability to coach, and so I re-ordered my priorities. 

Whilst I’ll never fully “optimise” on this front, I know that when I’m healthy, well-rested and fulfilled both inside and outside of work, I’m a better coach. I’ve got to show up for myself as well as show up for my coachees.   

There’s a saying in coaching circles about growth which goes something like “we can only take our coachees to the places we’re able to go to ourselves.” This means that we need to challenge ourselves, take risks and feel the ups and downs of growth as well as encouraging our clients to do all these things. We don’t get to sit on the sidelines!

12. Coaching is an incredible tool for building a better world

In the last two years of training and working as a coach, I’ve seen coaching help someone to build the courage they need to leave a toxic relationship, to design a radically new way of life, to overcome a nasty self critic, to process a really big loss, to land their dream job, to take credit for the incredible impact they’re making for the first time… There have been countless examples of life-changing impacts, and the ripple effects are enormous.

Imagine a world where every single person had support to deepen their self-awareness and take action towards a more fulfilling life. Imagine all the good that could come from greater alignment to who we really are, what really matters to us, and to what we love to do. I think the world would be a different place.

By no means a silver bullet, coaching is one of many tools we have for creating change in ourselves. But by helping people to raise their level of consciousness and live in greater alignment and fulfilment, it can be such a powerful force for good.

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As I said above, please dive into the comments and let me know what you think, I’m keen to discuss these further.

Thanks for reading and until next time!

Gen